Responding to Native Emotion

Emotions are inevitable in negotiations, and it isn’t realistic to try to avoid them or eradicate them from the encounter. Negotiation scholar Barbara Gray argues that effective negotiators figure out how to handle emotional outbursts from others who may be simply trying to “push our hot buttons”. She offers these suggestions for dealing with an opponent who has expressed their feelings in a volatile or even hurtful way:

1. Separate the emotion from its expression. Perhaps the emotion is really a way for the other person to signal an important interest. Why is the other person acting this way? What interest is important enough to justify it?

2. Turn the table. Put yourself in the other person’s position, and ask, “Why would I behave that way?” This may help you identify a circumstance in which this sort of emotional outburst would be legitimate. The idea is not to accept the other person’s (unacceptable) behavior, but to view it as a reflection of some identifiable need or interest to be addressed in the negotiation.

3. Reflect the emotion being expressed back to the other party. Sometimes strong feelings are an indication that the other party simply wants to be heard. Confirm that you are listening and that the concern that triggered the emotion is understood. This need not signal that you are agreeing with the concern or conceding anything; you are simply acknowledging that the other party is human and has feelings. This may be all the other party needs.

4. Ask questions to uncover the issue or interest behind the emotion. Knowing what the underlying concern makes it possible for you to move on from emotion to substance, and to treat that concern (once you know what it is) as an issue on the table for negotiation.