Psychologist John Gottman (2007) has been studying conflict resolution in marriages throughout his career. By videotaping thousands of couples as they talk about challenging problems in their marriages, he offers the following insights into what make a relationship effective:

1. Successful couples look for ways to stay positive and say “yes” as often as possible. They constantly affirm the other’s ideas, contributions, opinions, and preferences. This is particularly important for men who often may not accept a woman’s influence.

2. They embrace conflict as a way to work through differences, rather than try to avoid it or give in all the time. Typical conflicts in a relationship are about different preferences for working and relaxing, punctuality, and the way they resolve a dispute when they disagree about something important.

3. Good relationships are not only about how to fight, but how to repair a relationship after a fight. Humor, affection, apologies, and other forms of “positive emotion” that allow for true “connection” with the other are critical. Gottman stresses that these are not large, complex events in a relationship they are often brief, fleeting, and almost trivial moments but critical for relationship management.

4. Successful long-term relationships are characterized by continuing to stress what we like, value, appreciate, and respect in the other. In contrast, the best predictors that a relationship will not last are frequent incidents of criticism of the other, defensiveness when the other is critical, stonewalling and refusing to yield or compromise, and contempt or disgust for the other and their views. Gottman views contempt as the most toxic element that can quickly turn a relationship from good to bad.